another wilderness

[sutz]

"The wilderness is a place of dependent, discipline, purifying solitude where God must be trusted. Wildernesses bring people quickly o the end of their self-sufficency and independence."

I have been in the wilderness before, in times of struggle and suffering, and I know of the renewed dependence and bittersweet communion that can be found there. I think I am in a wilderness of sorts, again. Having resigned as senior pastor of my church in order to be at home with my small son (2.5 years), I find that some anchors of my identity have been removed, and I am wandering as I adjust to a different main role, where the audience is vastly reduced. It is a great joy for me to be at home with my son, and it is a great challenge. The familiar challenges of guiding a church and individuals within it are replaced with the challenge of guiding and nurturing my small Caleb. In this, I am finding fresh challenges to depend on the Lord. I am not as "competent" in this new role as I was in the former. At times, I long for the "leeks and onions of Egypt", the rewards of preaching and nurturing adults. But I see that I had become distant from my own heart and from God's in the last months (years?) of my pastorate. Seeing this time as wilderness time helps me to embrace the work that God now wants to do in my heart and the things he wants to show me about myself and Himself. Tenderly and gently, he has brought me to this place.